Everyone knows that sports, and the NFL in particular, is the ultimate realty TV show. But what if your favorite NFL team was an actual reality television show? Better yet, what if your team was a reality star diva? Who would they be and why? Well, wonder no more because my extensive research and tireless investigations have revealed which teams in the AFC East pair up with their reality TV queen counterparts.
The Buffalo Bills = Mama June (Here Comes Honey Boo Boo)
Putting aside the fact that Mama June aesthetically looks like how most Americans perceive women from Buffalo to look like, the similarities between both parties is uncanny. For instance, both have done nothing but lose their entire existence. The mere fact that they exist at all makes the majority of folks scratch their head in befuddlement and let’s be honest, you can’t picture a scenario that involves you rooting for either one to succeed, right? And much like how Mama June plays second fiddle to her daughter, Honey Boo Boo, The Bills do the same with the Sabres from the NHL. In other words, both franchises are a bloated mess who haven’t done anything of merit since the mid-90’s and languish in obscurity behind their relatives.
Miami Dolphins = Paris Hilton (The Simple Life)
Hey? Do you remember that time the Miami Dolphins went undefeated in 1972? Probably not. But do you remember the last time a Miami Dol-Fan talked about it? It was probably 15 minutes ago because that was the last time they really did anything of significance. Much like Paris Hilton had her, ahem, “starring role”, alongside Rick Saloman, the Miami Dolphins once held the fleeting spotlight, as well. And just like the aging reality diva, the once popular team, has fallen on hard times. And despite constantly trying to re-invent themselves, they have never been able to capture the public’s imagination quite like it did all of those years ago. In fact, the only thing “hot” about either of these entities these days, are the sun soaked beaches where they live.
New England Patriots = Kim Kardashian (Keeping Up with the Kardashians)
These two are so similar that I feel like a petition should be started to remove the flying Elvis logo off of the side of New England’s helmet and replace it with Kim’s ass. What better representation for the fakest franchise in football, than the fakest ass in show business, right? Both have been caught cheating, both have been on the forefront of videotaped scandals, and despite the awfulness on both sides, both continue to thrive and remain wildly popular with vapid airheads and Dude-Bros in white sunglasses, everywhere.
New York Jets = Snooki (Jersey Shore)
Oh, like you didn’t see this one from a mile away. Which is fitting because both sides of this equation stink like garbage and can be smelled from that same distance away. In this case, despite their similarities, the glaring difference between Snooki and The Jets is what ultimately brings them back together. You see, The Jets have spent a lot of time, money and effort trying to convince anyone who will listen that they are not from New Jersey, and rather from the glitzier, more upscale state of New York. Snooki, on the other hand proudly displays her “Jersey-ism” throughout her daily life. The fake tan, the obnoxious accent and even the crotch-grabbing, dirty skank vibe that she exudes naturally puts everyone on notice that she is from f*ckin’ Jersey. However, while one tries to shy away from it, and the other embraces it completely, the end result is the same; Everyone knows they are trash.